The ED Challenge

ed challenge

Jeannine over at Highchairs and Headaches recently posted that she had been suffering from the whole mommy guilt thing. She came up with ten funny reasons why she rocks as a mom and I hope they had the intended effect of reminding her of how hard she works. Well being a dude, I don’t suffer from mommy guilt. I do suffer from ED, or environmental dystopia, which is a term I just made up. It describes the feeling that I am in a place that is not functioning properly or a place that I clearly am not welcome. This could describe my house on some days, the park on other days, or taking three children grocery shopping. Being a stay at home father is not the most common occupation in these parts of the woods, and many people look at me with a sidewise glance when I am out and about. And in times like those I need to remember why I chose to stay home with my kids instead of work a job like every other single man on the planet (or maybe it just feels like that sometimes). So here are my ten reasons:

  1. I actually enjoy it.  Contrary to what my face may be expressing on certain occasions, I do enjoy being home with my kids. I love to watch them play and make up games and jump on the trampoline. Their energy and laughter remind me that life is for the living so let’s go live it. I can’t tell you how many people, both men and women, but mostly men, have come up to me and told me how they don’t know how I do it. Really? Is staying home with your kids that much harder than being stuck with your co-workers all day? I don’t think so.
  2. I make fresh bread.  I’m not exactly sure how this relates to staying home with my kids, but I think it’s part of what makes me rock as a husband and dad so I will just throw it out there. I make French bread, bagels, sandwich bread, pancakes, and a host of other freshly baked goodies just for fun. And my kids love it. They clap and smile and giggle when I throw a hot loaf of French bread on the table as a side to dinner. A little butter and salt and a glass of wine and life doesn’t get much better.
  3. I play games with my kids. Ya, I don’t really like to play games. But I do, over and over again. Did you know that if you simply turn the pile of Candyland cards over when you are finished that you will get exactly the same outcome? I do. If you are the first one the get past squares 48 and 49 on Chutes and Ladders, you will most likely win. I lose at all the memory games, I think. And I don’t even try at twister any more. Still, I play on.
  4. I raised all three of my children from infancy. I didn’t become a stay at home dad because I got laid off or was in between jobs. My wife and I chose to have me stay home. I have for the past 11 years done the daily work of keeping the family life thriving and organized, as much as those two things can coexist. Obviously, I didn’t personally breast feed my kids, but I did watch. I am hoping because I am her husband that doesn’t creep anybody out because we all know breast feeding boobs are amazing. Aside from that, I have done it all.
  5. I cook all the meals. I like to cook, I’ll admit. I cook almost every night of the year and often for friends we have over. I read the most recent recipes, shop for the ingredients, experiment with new types of food, visit the farmers markets, buy cheese online–the whole thing. And I never tire of it. It’s like sex, but with food. And if I didn’t stay home, there is no way I would have the time to cook like I do. My kids eat food from all over the world because I bring it into the house. They are versed in curries and spices and flavors and textures from every culture worth cooking.
  6. I clean the whole house. Yes, the whole house. My wife likes to do the large projects like Spring cleaning the closets, but I do the day to day everyday. The kids will pick up their rooms and put their clothes away, but the cleaning part I shoulder on my own. Like cooking, this may not seem to directly relate to my ED problem, but for me it is a part of the whole attempt to care for them. I don’t think children thrive in chronic disorder so I try to keep it to a minimum so they have the time and place to be kids.
  7. For a man, I’m pretty damn patient. Small children require a lot of patience because they are often really annoying. Sometimes I get too angry, sometimes I  have a glass of wine, but mostly I just grin and bare it. When they were younger I was never alone. I cooked dinner while they sat next to me in a highchair, they unfolded all the laundry I had just put away, and they were constantly at my feet in the bathroom (yes, I sat down all the time). Now they still want my attention, just in different ways. How far can they test the rules, how they attempt to talk themselves out of a punishment, and how they can try to use their parents against each other for their own personal betterments are just some of my personal favorites right now. I am aware that I am not their mom meaning that I know I am not a woman. The genders tend to deal with problems in different ways so I try to lend a softer touch to issues I feel like smashing. I don’t, and never have, for the record, smashed anything. Patience.
  8. I love my wife. I really do.  I think in the whole parenting thing it is easy to lose sight of the one thing that made us parents in the first place. My wife and I have been married for over twenty years. Yes, twenty years! That’s a damn long time. And while not all of it has been smooth, we have done everything in an attempt to love each other and the family we have created. Our kids see that and know that we love each other, and more than anything else, besides the fresh bread, it is our relationship that will guide them into adulthood.
  9. I love my children.  I’m kind of embarrassed that it took me this long to say this outright. Maybe I thought it was assumed the whole time but, sheesh, number 9 on the list? Well, I do and I think they are some of the coolest people on the planet.
  10. I am a stay at home dad.  I know at this point this may seem obvious so why say it, but it’s not easy doing something counter to the general culture. When you first meet someone new, the inevitable question is: So, what do you do for a living? When I tell other men that I am a stay at home dad, if the crickets weren’t chirping there would be a literal silence. They just don’t get it. Women think it’s fascinating, and I appreciate that, but it is so because it is unusual. It takes some guts to do something unusual.

So there it is. My ten things. I feel better already and think my ED may be clearing up.

13 thoughts on “The ED Challenge

  1. Sammy D.

    A bazillion kudos to you for all you do, and all you understand about the cooperation it takes to earn a living and raise children. I often said the only way I’d have kids is if the man would be the primary parent. I didn’t meet that man, and I never had kids because I chose a career instead. I wasn’t foolish enough to think I could have it all or kill myself trying to have it all. Fortunately siblings gave me nieces and nephews and stepsons gave me grandkids. But YOU – I can tell by the level of detail in your post (who knows that about CandyLand and Chutes & Ladders unless we’ve played them ad nauseum) that you are a very engaged parent. Maybe too engaged when it came to observing the boobs breast-feeding, but other than that, pat yourself on the back every day. Your kids deserve you 🙂

      1. Sammy D.

        Right now, yes, because I want to engage fully during the A to Z April Challenge. I am learning so much and am so interested in what other bloggers are doing – I’m like a kid in a candy store!

        I’m retired and I feel fully entitled to spend my days the way I want because that’s what keeps me healthy after years of stressful career and other obligations. But after April I will cull my “visit” list. I truly enjoy your posts, and admire what you are doing. I’m not going away 🙂 But … golf and biking will take me outdoors as soon as warmer temps come to town!

        Enjoy your weekend – I’ve got grandkid volleyball and football and playtime tomorrow.

  2. Highchairs and Headaches

    Yay! You took my challenge!! Well, sort of, since you had to rename it because apparently I’m a sexist a-hole who excluded an entire gender when I created it, but still, you rock. So here are my thoughts: I wish my husband baked bread. Actually, scratch that. I wish I baked bread. I make corn bread from time to time, if that counts. Also, I actually have smashed things, so kudos to you on refraining from that particular brand of barbaric behavior. Someday you’ll smash something, and it’ll feel so damn good that you’ll blog about it. Also, I HATE Chutes and Ladders. Every time someone makes it to the top, they land on one of those damn chutes and I have to keep myself from flushing all of the pieces down the toilet. Eff that game. Well anyway, thanks for taking the challenge with me! It feels damn good to be an awesome parent. I really love the line “it takes guts to do something unusual.” Indeed, it does. It’s not rocket science to stay home and raise children, but most of the men I know wouldn’t even consider doing it. To me? Being a good dad is what sets the men apart from the boys 🙂

    1. stayathomefodder Post author

      I did rename it because, yes, taking the “Good Mom Challenge” didn’t quite fit my gender. But, I do not consider you an a-hole for it as the ratio of men to women who are the primary caregivers are like a bagilion to one. I do hope to smash something someday because it does seem like a great release, but I don’t want to force it. I’ll just let it happen naturally. No one has commented on my use of ED and Challenge though which leaves me to believe I did not make the joke about men and ED clear enough. Oh well. Humor is an illusive beast.

      1. Sammy D.

        Oh good – am doing a “shout out” post to a couple Dads & want to include you, so glad you’ll still be blogging occasionally. Many bloggers are cutting back for summer. Will do the “Dads” post sometime before Sunday.

  3. Pingback: For Fathers’ Day, May I Introduce You to | bemuzin

  4. Dan Antion

    Congratulations doesn’t quite seem like the right word, but what the heck, if you can break new ground maybe I can. I think this is a great post and I love the things you chose to focus on. Just so you know, I think I hold the record for the number of times heading down the long chute in C&L. Also, if your children like tormenting you with that game, buy Sorry when they are a little young for it – then you might have a chance.

  5. Lori L MacLaughlin

    I’m visiting by way of Sammy D. I enjoyed your list. If staying home works for you, more power to you! Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job as a parent. Happy Father’s Day!

  6. Debbie

    Sammy D spoke so highly of you, I just had to see for myself. ED has another definition and I’m glad you meant something else. 🙂 You certainly are a rare breed and I admire anyone who tends to home and children full time without going nuts.


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